The plans

2/13/05

2005-02-13T20:49:00.000-08:00

Punching bag, 4 sets of shin/calves

2/10/05

2005-02-10T20:49:00.002-08:00

Did the 3 day workout with paul at the gym.

2/10/05

2005-02-10T20:49:00.001-08:00

2-10-05 Thursday

2005-02-10T20:49:00.000-08:00

I didn't go to school and I should have. How many times have I wrote that before? lol. I've been sweatin school alot... Like yea I should be studying or something instead of doing anything else. But the truth is I don't feel like doing anything but sleeping, school, and working out. I guess I shouldn't take on new things until I master what I do. but I donno that bring bordum to me.

2-8-05 Tues.

2005-02-08T20:49:00.000-08:00

3 day workout with paul at gym

Today was a good day I suppose. I don't really have a whole lot to journal down because everything is going pretty good. I owe alot of it to god. I don't really feel bad, but I have noticed that I just don't enjoy playing video games or doing a whole lot of anything after school. Perhaps it's because im usually so tired at this time. I work out with Paul but unless something interesting is oging on, I usually don't go to find something. Like in halo I have alot of fun sometimes, but I kind of have to force myself to play it on the week days because sleep seems more important to me... or other things. Everything is good with Inna. I am starting to feel more and more comfortable with her.

2-6-05

2005-02-05T20:49:00.000-08:00

Arms 3 day workout with paul at gym

2-4-05

2005-02-04T20:49:00.000-08:00

Punching bag
Calves / shins
4 sets of 60sec leg lifts.

Today was pretty good. We got a 2 hour delay which was definately nice. I got alot of sleep and I definately noticed that I was less tired. I was tired when I ate alot of carbs... which I did a little too much today.

2/10/05

2005-01-30T20:49:00.007-08:00

Did the 3 day workout with paul at the gym.

2-9-05 Thursday

2005-01-30T20:49:00.006-08:00

4 Calves/Shins/60 situps

2-7-05

2005-01-30T20:49:00.005-08:00

4 sets of shins/calves/abs
Punching bag

2-6-05

2005-01-30T20:49:00.004-08:00

Arms 3 day workout with paul at gym

2-3-05 Thursday

2005-01-30T20:49:00.003-08:00

Arms at gym.

I haven't journaled much because i've actually been feeling quite good. That and I have been really tired. Seems like everyday im tired. I completely cut out caffiene from my diet and i've been keeping pretty regular hours for the past few days... What more can I do? I suppose that I don't get as much sleep as I could, or maybe should, but its the same amount as any other kid yet they aren't deathly tired like I am, atleast I don't think they are. I could eat less carbs but I don't even eat that many in the first place. Atleast I don't think so. I drink a whole lot of water already... I mean what more can I do? So sleep more... less carbs. ok ill try that too. Thats pretty damn strict for a diet tho. I gotta do my homework but man im tired... and I also have to go to the gym with paul but I can't get a hold of him right now. My guess is he is taking a nap and trying to avoid going to the gym. I could be totally wrong tho.

1/31/05

2005-01-30T20:49:00.002-08:00

Today was a very good day i'd say. I started to get really tired after lunch but it was still good. I had planned to stay after with Mr. Mcgrew today but he had some meeting he had to go to. Instead he wants me to come in early in my morning.... holy crap. I didn't care too much but then when I tried to go lifting with paul he's sick again... great. So im pretty upset by that... kind of relieved because now I can take a nap. Then there is lacrosse. We have a lax game tonight. I'm sure what respect people do have for me... alot of it has been lost because I quit so many sports. I've quit every sport i've ever done I think. I think I've only truely completed one or two hockey seasons out of too many to even count. Sports and quitting is a bitter subject for me.. it makes me feel really weak. I don't really want to play for the school though so there isn't even really a point. I mean to me, sports are pretty much just work, not fun. I never found myself to be really good at any sport. Now I wake up after my nap and I ate a crapload. apple, macaroni, crosont, and a bowl of cereal... Id say 550 calories or more. Which I guess is about a normal dinner meal only I didn't do anything this afternoon, I just slept for two hours. Now I have homework I gotta do, there is homework that I don't have to do but I probably should in order to get ready for some tests and whatnot. Also I was kinda planning to punch my bag alittle do calve/shin raises.

Revisting battle plan

2005-01-30T20:49:00.001-08:00

Take Welbutrin at 7:15am everyday
2. Go to school all day
3.Drink atleast 2 bottles of water during school
4.Don't drink any caffiene
5.Avoid Sugars/carbs
6.Lift Weights 3 times a week
7.Journal as much as possible
8.take Fluvoximine at 9pm

1I need to work on taking my welbutrin at the same time everymorning... Definately don't do that on the weekends and I guess it screws things up. 2Going to school all day... I think I did that since I made these plans. When I don't wake up on time I don't feel like oging to first period tho thats for sure. 3 I'm not sure ive been drinking 2 bottles of water a day... its harder now and I feel like a prep in my current situation... going to fill up my water bottle and stuff. Maybe I can drink one from being filled and home and refill it at lunchtime 4. I've been really good about avoiding caffeine, don't think i've had any and I think it really does make a big difference. 5 I haven't really been avoiding sugars/carbs as much as I should.. I mean im not totally pigging out but im not doing great. 6 I'm pretty much lifting 3 times a week as planned 7 I'm doing good on my Journaling 8. I need to work on my time when taking my fluvoximine... just like the welbutrin.

so I need to work on 1,5,and 8 majorly... other than that im doing well.

1/30/05 Sunday

2005-01-30T20:49:00.000-08:00

4 sets up 40 pushups
4 sets for 30-40 situps.

Today... was a good day I think. Last night I avoided drinking and to tell you the truth I felt good about it. I think God is opening my eyes to positive things and helping me see negative things as what they are... just as I had asked him to do. I wanted to go to church today but that didn't happen. I jsut didn't talk to weez in time. There is a youth group thing on wendsdays that I may go to though.. we'll see. Today I read a whole lot in LOTF... I got 2 chapters left but I may even read those.. I bookrags them instead. I always think in my head ohhh Inna's probably doing something so interesting or having so good time with some other guy. I don't think thats what happened this weekend and I don't think thats what ever happens when I imagine people. I mean I know thats not what happens.. everyone are just that... people. Played some halo as well, and also did a little workout... just 4 sets of pushups and situps. As I read lord of the flies it makes me want to be in that situation.... I think it would be fun and I love challenge that I think I can overcome. I should straighten out this diet of mine a bit. It's not too bad I jsut eat a whole lot. Last night I ate a butt load of buffalo wings and had a medium sized blizzard... definately not good for the body. I realized today after I did my little workout that I felt energetic.. alive and happy. When I feel these things, I've learned I should work with them. For instance I realized that when I journal I feel alot better, so i've been journaling alot more. Well maybe I should workout more often, just to feel better. I've tried to will myself to workout in the morning.... man that is just hard. Im so tired in the morning I don't feel like working out and that means I have to go to bed even earlier. I just wish that I had to be up for something. Like If I lived in the jungle.... and there was always something that needed to be done, I think I would be wide awake all day. Here where I live, there is nothing that I NEED to do, I have to will myself to do it. It's alot easier to just sleep at home and not worry about that crap. Well for me personally, im not the best at staying home and feeling better, as I know all too well.

1-29-05 Saturday

2005-01-29T20:05:00.000-08:00

Yea so last night I got drunk by myself and played halo. It was pretty sad lol. Well I mean I laughed alot and listened to music... jammed out in this mug but it was still sad. Today I guess I got a good amount done. I insulated the cubbie hole underneath the bathroom and also cut up the tree. Then I went out and got some wings with SJ, and a blizzard thing from Dairy queen. I almost went to Liams to get fucked up but I decided not to. Oh yea I also saw Kylie and Rachel over at Kylies house. I feel like im fat... I mean I ate like all this shit this weekend and drank. I guess thats what the weekend is for though... to unwind and not worry about shit. Then I do worry about stuff though... ug. I thought I was gonna go to church with Inna and Weezie tomm but I dont think thats gonna happen because well, I haven't talked to them. I have to read basically the whole book of Lord of the Flies... mad sucks. And Inna.... oh inna. I like her.. alot and I know it because im constantly thinking of her. I think that shes better than me somehow because she has a more active lifestyle and she seems to not like me... having me feel that she is superior. Then again maybe she does like me? I donno its messed up. What I do know is that she wants to be friends, and she wants to help me. I think that maybe she feels like its part of her "purpose" on this earth is to help me. I'm confused right now and im tired. I have school work to do though whichs sucks, but I don't want to do it. I always feel like I have to do something "fun" or something that makes me seem not like a messed up person before I can buckle down and do work. Like I have to do something I don't enjoy almost... like going out to see a movie or something so I can spend some time by myself and be relaxed.

1/27/05 Thursday

2005-01-27T11:41:00.000-08:00

Went to the gym with paul
Did punching bag
4 sets of shins and calves

Today was pretty good. I didn't go to first period because I woke up alittle late. My alarm went off but I laid back in bed thinking that I would get up in a few minutes and i'd still be ok. Well I was wrong. Inna was kind of distant around me... when I first saw her she didn't even say hi. That pissed me off. So at the lunch table I just didn't sit with them at all and didn't walk back with her from lunch. I still feel like she is the greater of the situation... even though a relationship shouldn't be looked at like that. I have a shit load of homework to do tonight... probably less than I think but it seems like alot. Studying to do and whatnot. I'm also going to the gym with paul today after my chiropractor appointment. In AS2 today we had a group debate. I find that I can talk loudly, and lot if its on a subject that I know well. Whereas at the cafeteria or something where I don't know what people are talking about, I don't have a whole lot to say. It makes sense really... most people talk about the New things that are happening in the world but I don't get caught up in the media too much, so I guess I don't really have alot to talk about. Maybe I should though you know? just for the sake of having something to talk about with people. Maybe I should take some time to read the newspaper more... or magezines. I would like to teach my self things that people seem to know... such as actors names or watch famous movies that everyone has seemed to seen. Learn about famous people like frank sinatra.

So I went to my chiropractor appointment and everything was good. I went lifting with Paul, that was good. Oh and before the lifting I got all my homework done, im glad about that. Then when I got home I did some punching on my bag and also some calve/shin stuff. I'd really like to become like... ripped. Not sure what the "Ripped" plan is or if I could even will myself to do it. I tend to tell myself "oh man thats not even worth doing, I need to take a rest... when in reality my body could adapt to a hella lot more.

1-26-05

2005-01-26T16:24:00.000-08:00

I didn't go to school today. Mainly because my alarm clock was messed up and it didn't go off at the right time..... I got kind of depressed last night because me and Inna got in a stupid little play argument thing but I donno how serious it was to tell you the truth. I just can't see the positive in anything. To me everything needs to be fixed... everything is bad. I feel depressed all the time and I hate it. When im at home I feel like crap and all I want to do is sleep. When im at school all I want to do is get out and get home. One of the best parts of my day is riding home in my car for some reason. I just feel... good. I feel like im important or something.. like my good stereo makes me cool perhaps. I don't really know why. Today I ate 2 big bowls of cereal, like 3 servings of ice cream and 2 peices of pizza. Pretty horrible diet. I made a "battle plan" which pretty much mocks anyone ive ever made before. It's always the same but I don't even know that if I really did stick to it, if it would help me all that much. I have some hope for god... but I don't even really know about that. I pray to god... i've prayed to god but nothing seems to stay good for long. Nothing seems to be much different from when I just let things go its natural path. Something negativity and self destruction feel better than being positive.
I have been talking to Inna alot today. Things between us have changed... I don't feel the liking toward me that I used to. I liked her alot because she seemed so affectionate... I mean I guess it's still there and I just overanalyze things but I don't feel it as much. Then... she laughed and said that she is not my girlfriend which kind of hurt. I feel like a girl or something but if we aren't going out what are we? I mean I guess I am all about fun right? thats what I told her. I want to live for god. I want to serve god. Most of all, I want to feel better about life.

Battle Plan

2005-01-26T16:18:00.000-08:00

Take Welbutrin at 7:15am everyday
Go to school all day
Drink atleast 2 bottles of water during school
Don't drink any caffiene
Avoid Sugars/carbs
Lift Weights 3 times a week
Journal as much as possible
take Fluvoximine at 9pm

1/25/05

2005-01-25T15:47:00.000-08:00

Went to the gym, bench, row, milt. flies.

1/23/04

2005-01-23T18:30:00.000-08:00

3 sets of curls
3 sets of 30 situps

I remember when I was little that everything would grab my attention. I didn't need to "Find" something to do because something there in my grasp would take my attention. I've felt very badly today. Same thoughts just repeating in my fucking head. I feel less than Inna. I feel like im addicted to her and its only made me realize that I truely can only focus on one thing at a time. I take medicine... but what else can I do to help myself? They say not to drink caffiene or to drink alchohol and that is supposed to help and shit, but it takes away from my enjoyment too. They say to excercise, which I don't think is bad, but its hard to get yourself to do and sometimes it just causes stress. When I journal it always strikes me how much better it makes me feel, but I so irregularly do it. Music usually makes me feel better. I just wish I knew something that would really make me feel better but I don't... its only phases like depression. Things get better, things get worse. It's like... when im thinking about one things though its sooo hard to try and do something else, and it makes me feel badly. Even when im doing the thing that I was thinking about, I start thinking about something else. I can't just concentrate on what im doing and it makes me feel so bad. I don't respect myself... I don't really know if its that I don't love myself. I tell myself that I really do respect and love myself I just don't realize it, but just like any good thought/feeling, that will only last for a short amount of time. I've been on aim way to long today
I really need to not use it so much. Not to mention just like any relationship ive had, it drys it out because you seriously talk too much without any anxieties. You just say what you want.

1/22/04

2005-01-22T19:23:00.000-08:00

punching bag 10 min
4 sets of bench and Milt. press
3 sets of 30 situps

1/12/04

2005-01-12T14:04:00.000-08:00

I am feeling very badly right now and very confused. This repetitous thought is very bad today. I keep asking or thinking to myself that why am I doing all this stuff if I really don't care about it? Then I think... well what do I really care about. Not much except whatever videogame im compulsively playing atm... or thats how I look at it. I mean when im playing warcraft all that shit goes out the window and I can actually focus. It's not really a mystery why I like it so much, but it is a problem that I only want to spend my time doing that... especially because WoW isn't going to last forever... I mean I can't rely on that for the rest of my life. What really can I do to help this mental illness? not much... but I confuse not worrying about stuff with just floating through life being unproductive and not giving a shit. Although maybe I should give a shit about things that I actually care about? but I don't care about anything =(. I think about talking to a therapist.. looking for some type of help but I don't know.. I need someone to talk to but who would relate to this? I try to focus on school but truely I don't give a fuck about school other than the fact that school = money or good grades = better college without idiots in it. It's so hard to judge anything anymore because I feel like the way I feel, and the way I view the world is fucked up. I mean truely, how can thinking about stupid shit over and over and over again be the right way? How can not being able to focus on anything and being completely unmotivated be right.
Right now whenever I think of something I think "Well do I really want to do that?" and i mean I could do this with anything... psychology sucks shit for me. Like lacrosse... I mean do I really want to do that? but wouldn't it be good for me to do? I'm just fucked up.

1/4/04 Tuesday

2005-01-04T19:27:00.000-08:00

I really want to make my goals work. I'm not going to give up on these goals a week later when I become uninspired then remake similar ones the next week. Heres how im going to do it... day by day, week by week.
1. Don't Quit
Im going to go to school, all day tommorrow and have Inna help me with my homework after school. There is no other option
2.Become Closer to my friends
I can do this by hanging out with my good friends more. Just spending more time with other people in general. Meeting new people and trying to become closer to them.
3.Work out regularly
Do 30 minutes of excercise atleast 4 times a week. Tommorrow ill do my punching bag, jump rope, and situps.
4.Do things I like to do
I have alot of time to play warcraft but when im not playing warcraft or that gets boring, i'll find another game I can release my anxiety into. I'll find an online community and game that I can play. I would also like to find more things I like to do where I don't feel anxiety.

All and all today was a good day. I was kind of tired but I think that's just because my schedule is so fucked up and it will get better. I was anxious in school... not motivated to work at all. Just kinda sit there all day waiting for it to be over but to tell you the truth that is almost better then "trying" to care about it. If I do care about it thats one thing but trying to is bullshit and just makes me feel bad. I'm worried about tomm because Inna's locker is right next to Laurens and that shit is just gonna be wiiierrrd. I guess I gotta tell her whats up but I really feel bad. I feel like im such a slut, even though im not really doing a whole lot with these chicks im letting them think I like them a whole lot then just dropping em and it seems really wrong but I can't really help how I feel about someoen. I also realized today how well things go with me and girls and I always underestimate myself. Like all these girls I didn't think I could get... i've gotten, or I think I could. Even today with Thais I was making comments about me and her having sex.. she was definately hinting that she wanted to do something with me.

New years resolution goals

2005-01-04T19:25:00.000-08:00

Don't ever quit something you have started. This includes school
Become closer with my friends
Workout regularly
Do more things that I like to do.

Wendsday

2004-12-15T20:23:00.000-08:00

Power bar
4 tangerines
1 power aid
Chipotle Burrito
Mcflurry
Green Tea

5 sets of Military, Tricep curl, Lat pull down, 30 rep crunches
Wrestling match
Ice bath, iced sides

I was just all around depressed most of today. I was really depressed right after my match... I got beat badly and I should have won. I got beat like I sucked... like I did last year, and the kid was worse than me. Fucking rediculous is what I call it. I've decided that alot of my anxiety comes from me weighing how I feel with my decisions. So, my solution is to negate my feelings and do what I decided before.

Tuesday

2004-12-14T09:03:00.000-08:00

Bowl of Cheerios, bowl of fiber 1
Sandwhich
2 Tangerines
power bar

Steam room
Warm soak
10 sprints

I'm only going to 4th period today... I feel pretty depressed. I didn't want to wake up today at all even though I kind of wish I did. I'm falling a little bit behind on my school stuff... not too bad though. More than anything im afraid my coach is going to be upset I keep missing the day before matches, although I know he knows i'm kinda sick by the way I was coughing at practice. The anxiety has been high the past few days... and missing things doesn't make it any better thats for sure. Ohwell... as i said to myself today earlier, highschool are years you can play with... after that you can't do that too much. I mean I caught up on some rest, probably got alittle less sick and rested my ribs, got some time to look over that math sheet and figure out what I need to figure out really quick, and tonight ill have to time to clean up the house a bit and do the christmas tree.

Yea so I went to 4th period and made up that test. The anxiety was horrible and im still feeling really depressed. I feel like im letting down everything. Like i'm giving up on everything I guess. If I don't do one thing, or don't give something my all I feel like im giving up on it because im weak. I'm too much of a perfectionist even though im nowhere near perfect. Since im not going to practice im not sure what i'm going to do but trust me I dont feel good about missing it at all. However I can't really take the risk of going because of fucking strakonsky. I guess I have some homework I could be doing. I could clean up a bit too.

After taking a nap and debating whether to cut weight or not, I decided I was gonna stick with it. Too many times I debate something I decided I was going to do earlier and I feel bad about it. However I did decide not to lift... I know it contridicts what I just said but I feel that its going to help me more if I don't. I decided id do wends. and thurs. lifts tomm instead. I'm going to get my homework done and go to bed.

Monday

2004-12-13T11:44:00.000-08:00

Bowl of cherios, bowl of fiber 1- 300 cal
coffee-20 cal
Chicken nuggets, corn -200 cal
2 bottles of water
sandwhich, half of chicken breast -350 cal
diet coke
Powerade- 120 cal
protein drink-190 cal
chicken breast 150 cal
4 suger free jellos 40 cal
Total cal = about 1370

Wrestling practice
5 sets of wrist curls, 5 sets of bicep curls
20 minutes ice bath, warm bath soke

I am getting increasly more depressed.... Today I really don't care about school. Not that I have anything huge to turn in but even though studying for this math test tomm would probably help me alot I just don't feel like doing it. I say to myself that i'll do it tomm. Also, I have this APES thing I have to do. I say ill do that tomm too. My back hurt really bad today at practice, even after having my chiropractor appt. I think that the ice bath helped, even though it was only for 5 minutes. I'm thinking that if I do it longer it will help more... my moms supposed to be bringing home 3 bags of ice and im going to do it again tonight. I just hope I get to bed at a decent hour. But seriously, beside wrestling and school I just don't feel like doing anything else except maybe playing WoW. I basically just block everything else out... I feel like I don't have the time to deal with it. Wrestling is such a shitty sport honestly... I mean i've never felt that I had a real athletic talent at any sport but in wrestling you have to deal with intense pain, intense conditioning, starving yourself, being tired, and all for what? a 6 minute match where I get my ass kicked? I just hope it doesn't stay like this. I wanna spend some time with Lauren... I want to get laid honestly, or atleast get some play. I'd like to say, yea, I have a girlfriend. I haven't been able to say that in a long time. Man I want to eat so bad but I can't... After binging this weekend its tough but I know that im 3.7 lbs over and the steam room is no fun. I sure as hell beats dressing up in sweat clothes and running but it's still not fun. Tomm I have to stay after school to make up this big ass math test.... UGHHH math blows my nuts. Wrestling practice probably will be a breeze tomm because we have a match the next day. With matches and the days before them... I think that this year will probably actually get easier for wrestling. Along with holidays... snow days... all that shit. So I think no matter what I need to go to practices because I don't know what other ones im gonna miss.

Sunday

2004-12-12T18:20:00.000-08:00

Large bowl of cherios
sandwhich no sauce
large coffee
2 tangerines
snacked on cherios
large piece of chicken with bulleye

Lifting 5 sets of bench, 5 sets of flys

Workout plan

2004-12-12T18:10:00.000-08:00

Lifting Plans
Monday- Forearms, Biceps
Tuesday-Triceps, shoulders
Wendnesday-back, abs
thursday- calves, shins
Friday- Quads
Sat- 3 2 minute jump ropes, 3 2 minute punching bags
Sun- Chest

Eating Plans
Bowl of fiber one/flakes/cherios- 300cal probably -
school lunch, no milk- 300cal
sandwhich, no sauce- 300cal
gatorade, protein shake- 300 cal
Total = about 1,200 cal

Goals

Get first take down or sprawl and get takedown in match
Get honor roll 2nd term